If you have ovaries, I will dislike you

I had built my confidence up the past week or so, meeting a girl that lives close to me. We talk in passing, I'll play with her little dog, seemed really nice, very cute, no ring and best of all she was never seen with another guy...it seemed so perfect. I had no reason for me not to ask her out.

Today I gathered some nerve and I asked her if she would like to go out sometime.

"I, erm, I can't. I'm sort of involved..."

"Oh, ok... I understand... It's cool..."

"No, it's not that...I'm married, I thought you knew?"

"I thought you lived alone?"

"I do, we're seperated... I found him cheating with my sister but he wants to work it out, so we're going to try to do that."

*mentially slaps head*
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What is it with women I'm attracted to? I can't get anywhere. If it's not one that says I'm great but doesn't want to be with me, it's the other that wants to work it out with some jerk that cheats on her (no comments from the peanut gallery), I can't figure them out. What's the deal?

Seriously, help me out. Am I that hidious/controlling that I'm not a fun person to be around if you're a member of the opposite sex? Granted, I'm a big guy, but I'm working on that... Maybe I should look up that post-op trannie from my Yahoo Personals... >:(

INXS? More like INXSucks!

I keed, I keed...

Had breakfast this morning with my new crew at the Barrel of Crackers. It felt odd eating there without Patrick, seeing as every meal save one in the past three years that I've had there has been with him. It was a nice meal, as every guy brought their beautiful wives and the two single guys at the table somehow wind up next to each other. As Deleany would say, it was a sausage-fest.

Anyway, I got on a minor discussion with Ed's wife Emily about INXS. She's been watching the new show about their search for a new lead singer and apparently was quite the fan back in her day. And I'm cool with that, I'm not one to knock musical preferences (Rasputina shall remain out of this convo), but I am unaware that anybody could be a fan of INXS.

To my recollection, they had all of three songs. In order, they were: Need You Tonight, New Sensation and Devil Inside. That is it. I have been told by Ed's feisty better half that I am entirely misinformed and that she would more than happy to loan me her cassette tapes to brush up on my obvious lacking in pre-suicide Hutchence material.

Now granted, this would be like some schmoe meeting me for the first time and telling me that the Pixies or Barenaked Ladies are complete hacks and from there on out it would just be a tornado of fingernails and teeth. If I may quote Dane Cook, "Shit would be on! On like Donkey Kong!" I'm willing to look past my musical lackings (I'm sure Brigette could more than retell of my asking on several occassions "Who is this?") and give them a listen to. I know several of my favorite bands have great songs that nobody knows simply because those songs are not played on the radio. And thats all I know of INXS, nothing but their radio stuff.

Ok, granted, this was a fluff post. I apologize for that. Just felt I had to write something but the sad-sack stuff I'm prone to post more often than I really care to. Still having more trouble in the post-breakup than I had thought I would. Anyway, going to try and be more cheerful.

To say I'm sorry, here is a pic of Amanda Palmer from the Dresden Dolls:

Any woman that can have scroll work for eyebrows is ok in my book.

Reason and Accountibility

Do you know how somebody wins the lottery and the everybody will chime in, "That person is so lucky!". Or if a kid get a cool bike for Christmas, all his friends will think he's a lucky kid. Or a man lands the job of his dreams, the people around him will no doubt crown him a lucky guy.

Want to know what I think of lucky? Lucky is knowning what you want and being in a position to do something about it. A lot people can do one or the other, but I believe a rare few can do both. And to me, that is holding the requirements of being 'lucky'.

Are you lucky?

Dear OKC, You suck. Love, Jay

There are two movies coming out that I would really like to see, and naturally they are only showing at a few theaters in the state. And to add insult to injury, these cinemas are only in the OKC area.

For various reasons, I find that this really sucks.

Both the Aristocrats and the 25th Anniversay Re-release of The Blues Brothers with Live! sat-cast after the film with Dan Ackroid and John Landis are going to be playing far, far from Tulsa. I really should have just moved to Dallas when I had the chance...

Grrr.

The wedge that wouldn't leave

Last night a small group of us celebrated Patrick's 32nd birthday. Kevin, New-Guy-Derek and his wife Laurie and myself had dinner with the old man at Lone Star Steakhouse. It wasn't super busy, around 7 on a Sunday night, so for this odd phenomena (sing it Jen!) that I am about to explain to happen, it's just...funny.

If you're not familier with the Lone Star menu, I will give you a brief rundown of their salad options. When one orders a steak, they have their choice of either a house salad with various dressings to top it, or a wedge of lettuce covered in bleu cheese dressing and chopped tomatoes. Indeed, the picture in the menu made it look heavenly. And of course, as I am always up to try something culinarily different, it seemed nice to try something new.

The other four boring people at the table had 'normal' sald, but I took one for the team and orderd the everlasting wedge. I should state right here that in the picture, the visual image does not do justice to just how large this damn thing is. When they delivered my greens, I knew I was in for a task unto which even Beowulf himself would have just "Screw it!" and let Grendel eat the village. I really wish I had brought my camera so I could give you sight into that what had laid before me. It really was a really big wedge of lettuce.

And a big wedge it was. A full quarter of a large head of iceberg, with the core removed is what they placed in front of me. To be fair this wasn't a bad dish, it was washed and dried, and tasted very delicious, but just way to much for a pre-meal salad.

Anyway, back to why this was supposed to be a humorous post in the first place...

Our waiter came back eventually and picked everyone's salad remains BUT mine. I had thought that maybe he was just busy, might have missed it, to much in his hands...whatever reason to miss it. I didn't give it serious thought at first and we were all talking geek speak, boring Laurie I'm sure, just having fun, general dinner table conversation. Our drinks were refilled, our meal came and placed in front of us, and STILL the waiter and other staff that came by never picked it up or took it away. Even with a gentle prod of the plate whenever waitstaff would pass by did nothing to get the wedge away from me. When they picked up our dinner plates I was sure they would get the cursed dish away from me this time. "Ney ney" I say. The dish stayed by my side.

When it was time to pay the bill, I even went so far as to place the tab book under the edge of the plate, so that it would fall with a "thunk" when our waiter took it, but to no avail... the wedge remained and our waiter remained unawares. Before we left, I finally had to ask they guy why he never took it. He stared at me blankly and was told the he must have just 'missed it' over the course of the ENTIRE FREAKIN' MEAL. Derek and Pat come up with the theory that there was a betting pool back in the kitchen to see how long they could keep that stupid piece of lettuce on the table before one of us spoke up. He had to know something was up, as we would bust out laughing everytime he passed by, and we know this as he actually asked why we did this. None of us wanted to give it away just yet, so we kept in on the down-low, as the kids these days say. But come on. How do you actually miss an oval plate with what would have been a full 1/8 of a head of lettuce on there? Especially over a one hour period?

All in all we had fun. Patrick escaped being sung to, even though two other people there at the restaurant failed to do so. We tried to be on our best behavior around Derek's wife, but I'm afraid our more base male humor came through (really must watch that in the future). Pretty fun night I would say. Now if I could only start making money like a Risk Analysist I would be sitting pretty. ;-)

I just got my free ice cream maker in the mail on Saturday and I'm about ready to try it out. Thinking Mint Chocolate Chip should be first... Hmmm, yup. Think so.

Giving it another go

Finally got around to calling the specialist in Houston, with a little prodding from my mother. And I have set up an appointment for October 3rd, to see what an actual qualified doctor would have to say about T.S. Mind you, this guy actually has a webpage, with his qualifications on it. I'm feeling pretty good about this one.

Since my normal cross-country driving partner is busy with other things, I will be driving down with my father. That's 8 hours of cowboy music. Non-stop.

I'm already thinking about "Cool, clear water"...

God help me. ;-)

Relinquishing the King Bonehead crown

Tonight, on "Loveline" with Adam Corrola and Dr. Drew Pinski, the guests were Jared Leto and his band 30 Seconds To Mars. This part isn't important, but what he said was.

Jared was talking about his avid fan base and how they are very detail-oriented, as in making home-made clothes. He was talking about how some of of his tattoos tied into this and he used the word "symbology" and immediately my ears perked up. I quickly called Pat and told him. I was, for a lack of a better word, giddy.

In the dark on this one? Well that just shows that you've never watched a really great movie about two Irish brothers who punch out a lesbian. And shoot some people. And need some rope. And...well, just watch it, well worth it.

Can't see in the dark

Since I've gotten into the origami thing, I've found it helps with controling my tics. Between all the money that has been spent on 'self-hypnosis' tapes, books, pamplets(which are free), consults, doctor visits and various types of drugs, it has come down to folding tiny paper cranes that calms me the most.

I really looking forward to having my first guitar lesson. I'm going to call tomorrow and set the plan up. That's right. I'll have my own plan. Haiku-Girl seems to think that a guitar can get me some womens, and I would like some womens, seeing as how all my old womens have new mens. Ergo, I am womens-less.

And oh yeah, my co-workers suck. Big bunch of jerks... ;-) Playing pranks on a poor petite waifish thing such as myself. That's ok, I'll get even. Even Stephen. Hell yeah.

The cough, the virus and the cat

Three things, all quick, so keep up.

I have this cough. It has stayed with me for the better part of 8 years now. I'm going back to the doctor on Friday to have this checked out. I'm tired of coughing. Coughing sucks. Coughing 'bites the big one' as the kids say these days. Looking forward to whatever pills and syrups and powders and elixars and tonics and a big stone mortar and pestile to grind up some roots and bark and whatever else my apothicary can give me to stop this freakin' cough.

Viruses suck. Big time. But not so bad when you've got a team of very smart individuals kicking ass and taking said virus's name. Might I be so bold as to toot my own horn and the horn of my team? Yes. Yes, I think I might. Toot toot! There, and don't I feel better for it.

My cat will not stop clawing at the carpet. If I don't find a solution quick I'm going to start noticing bald spots in the floor and I'm pretty sure if I can see them, then the managerial staff of the apartment complex can see them too. Besides de-clawing and pissing her off, how can I make her use the shread board I got for her? Do I need a bigger one? A full-size cat box? Special sprays? I don't know!

*cough cough*

I'm going to go hack up my left lung. I'll talk to you guys later.

Herkaleez! Herkaleez! Herkaleez!

Had a date last night, drank way to much, stayed up way to late talking. Got home, didn't drink my water like I KNEW I should have and now I've got a raging headache and a bit of a sour stomach.

Gonna be a long day...

And for Ed and Chad, I give you these: Dirty Sanchez, Pepe Lopez, Hot Karl, Hot Lunch, personal favorite Baked Potato, and lastly the Whitman Sampler. If you read these at all, you cannot hold anything against me for it. I just simply put the links up, it's your judgement call to read them or not. No dirty pictures, but very descriptive text. And oh yeah, that last one was written by someone you may know...

No need for nastiness

I don't need anyone getting nasty on here, no need for 'cattiness' and certainly no call for rallying in the defence of my wilted pulminary unit. I appreciate all the "gotcher backs" and "giv'er hell" but really there is no need. And no need to drag someone's name down. By this point all I want to do is be friends with everybody, even if I can't date them. If you're a friend of mine, that means I love you. Yeah, I said it. So what? It's not a 'shag them on the carpet" kind of love and it's not a "buy flowers for on Valentine's Day" kind of love. But it certainly is a "I would feel terrible if this person left my life forever" kind of love. And if I call you a friend, that's how I feel about you. Doubley so for Patrick since he has a sweet ass... ;-)

And even though we have our differences, and yes, some people think it would better if I cut all ties, I consider Brigette a friend. We've known each other for over a third of my very wizended life and we've both been through some weird shit together. It would be a shame to do so just because she doesn't see anything datable in me. Hell, I don't see anything datable in me. Someone should give Jennifer an award just for having the courage to marry me for three years.

In short, I thank you for your firm support and even stronger words, but I would also like it if noone is run down on here on the blog. We're adults (physically at least) and should act accordingly (for the most part). In the words of Rodney King, "Can't we all...just..g-g-get along?"

Monday night: Fun!

To the guy on my left:
Michael, if I ever get drunk in public, it is only fair that you are at present to witness it, as Monday was just a medium buzz. A drunk Jay is totally different.

To the guy on my right:
You order stupid drinks. You are not allowed to drink with me anymore, whomever you are.

To the girl in front of me:
Melissa, you are a kickass bartender. Good luck on your masters and all those poor kids you are going to teach one day.

To all my friends:
I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. I know I've been meloncholey and morose and mopey and about a dozen other M words. I am working to break that. The old me would like to come back out in to the sunlight. I might need your help to do it.

To my family:
You have no idea how much you all mean to me. Thank you.

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There is a drink called the Dirty Girl Scout Cookie and it is delicious. That is all.

"Please"

A while back I went to a doctor here in Tulsa about seeing any new developments in the Tourette's field. The experience was not what I would call 'full-filling'. After sitting in his office for an hour, and then sitting in the examination room for almost an hour and a half, the doctor came in, we talked for ten seconds, and I asked him if he knew anything about Tourette's Syndrome. His answer?

"No. I don't deal with Tourette's patients."

And that was that. I was out the door within ten minutes. All he could do was refer me another neurologist here in Tulsa. Now as the other doctor was very helpful, I could have easily gotten that referal from my normal doctor. I was explicit in telling him when making the appointment what I wanted to discuss, and for him to have the nerve to charge me $325.00 for the visit, well, let's just say that it let a very sour taste in my mouth for this guy.

So, every month they send me a bill and every month I pay them a tiny bit of it. I understand that it's a business, and that business runs on currency, so I have every intention of paying them for their time and knowledge. However, I'm not in any hurry to do so. Well, I got this month's bill and in a neat cursive on the bottom of the tab was simply "Please", as in "Please hurry your trifflin' ass up and pay this."

I think I'll send my usual $10 along with a note, "Please don't be jerks and charge me $325.00 for doing absolutely nothing but wasting my time and money."

This would be the equivilent of me being hired by some company to set up a tokenring network and to install all the equipment, run the cable and terminate all that cable to make it 10-T ready, to get to the customer site, waste 2 1/2 hours of their time and then say "Yeah, I don't do token ring..." AND then have the gall to charge them for my time.

Jerks...

And oh yeah, why was I waiting so long? He was at lunch. That means I was there long enough for him to probably see a patient, leave for lunch, dine with no haste, and then come back to see me. What an ass.

No yolk in these eggs...

I have now come to suspect that every type of fish egg is just about the fowlest, most rancid-tasting stuff on this rock. Having had eaten a few types by this point in my life, I feel certain that if you set a fish egg in front of me and expect me to consume it, I'm just going to assume that you hate me and our friendship is over at that point.

If given the chance, whenever the topic of sushi comes up I will boast of many tales of my culinary daring. Amoung them is having tried sea urchin, also known to the raw fish-eating community as 'uni'. And I will wail of how completely disgusting I found the experience.

Well, a few months ago I had picked up some Chinese and Japanese food books at the ol' B&N. One of these was a fantastic Japanese cookbook/food reference guide. While reading that very tome tonight, I discovered that uni was not in fact sea urchin meat as I thought it was, but sea urchin roe. That would be the eggs. The unfertilized embryos of the spiney Echinoidea. Yum...

As weird and as strange as this seems to me, it is nothing compaired to anything Anthony Bourdain eats. That guys eats lamb testicles sauted with shallots and braised goat-head stew. And likes it. Freak. ;-)


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I was called a 'funny guy' tonight at work.

Wokka wokka wokka!

Jay needs a date

When one is going through their pantry, and a picture of Aunt Jemaima starts looking good, that can not be a good sign. A sure indication of desperation.

"So, uh, you come around here often?"
"Shut yo mouth and make us some pancakes, sugah."
"You're a sassy woman, I like that."
"If you're cool with it, I'll call Mrs. Butterworth and we can have some fun."
"I love you, Pancake-Lady."

Ok, this is getting creepy now. It's best to stop before Uncle Ben jumps off that box and whips my ass. "You got jungle fever boy!"

Crazy people

I've been here on Swings for a whooping one hour and forty minutes. So far, these guys have been pretty active. I think I will like it here on this shift. I get along with everybody so far and although I've spent only a few seconds talking to a few of them, there looks to be no class of attitudes. And that, as they say, is a good thing.

Had dinner with my aunt Peggy this past Sunday night. Just down a few houses from her is a woman that won $1,000,000 on "Who Wants To Be A Millionare". As I was about to leave her house, Peg and I were on the front lawn, saying our goodbyes, when that lady drove by and I got to notice her license plate. "FNLANSR"

Classy.

Bad Art Rises Above

Found this very short online comic and I would like for you to give it a read. It's very short, only 12 pages. Just start at "Chapter 1" and scroll down until you see the next page link. It's a very simple design, and there's no words to read, but it tells you everything you need to know in the pictures.

Give it go, eh?

Time heals all wounds...

...but the Foo Fighters' "Best of You" does nothing to help.

Starting the 3-11 shift tomorrow night, was hoping for something cool to happen tonight. Instead had a quiet dinner but still enjoyed it.. I picked up an origami book last week and now my coffee table is covered in tiny boxes, cranes, one mis-shapen koala, and a giant polygon. Some people knit, or scrapbook, I fold paper.

I think the Gorrilaz said it best...
"I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad.
I got sunshine in a bag.
I'm useless, but not for long.
The future is coming on."