Paula Dean makes me want to claw my brain out.

If you don't know who she is, she's the 'hostess' of "Paula's Home Cooking" on The Food Network channel. She speaks with a southern Georgia accent, always talks about her father passing away in every freakin' show, pronounces pecan as "Pee-Can" which just grates on my nerves, puts a pound of butter in just about every recipe, talks about her sons like they're the second coming of the Savoir, and uses liquor in just about every show.

Ok, I can't really argue with that one. I'm sure if there was a "Jay's Culinary Abortions" show, I'd think there'd be a lot of beer and liquor recipes. But aside from all that, I'm watching Paula right now (because I'm too lazy to change the channel) and wishing I could force her to cook by the Anthony Bourdan or Alton Brown methods of cooking. And by that, I mean correct.

Today's show, she wrapped a tenderloin in cooking twine and put it on the grill. The Grill! If you're confused as to why this is stupid, think of what happens when you put thread on top of a flame. Provided you're not in an alternate dimension or under the ocean, that thread is going to catch on fire. And that, my friends, makes me want to claw my brain out. Because I just don't see why somebody utilzing bad cooking techniques would be put on the freakin' FOOD CHANNEL!

Ugg...